Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
