Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
