Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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