I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
