someone owes me an orgasm
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
