Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
