I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
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That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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