and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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