There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
