Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
