haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
