Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
