someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
