someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
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having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
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I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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