Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
