I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
