Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
