Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
