I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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