I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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