if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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