I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
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Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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