yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
