I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
