and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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