Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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