I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
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So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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