You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
