she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
