hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
