Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
