On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
