There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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