I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
