Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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