i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dating After Heartbreak
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?