Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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