I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point