When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone