I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
