I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
