I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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