new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
