My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
