I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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