Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
