Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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