you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
