Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I pour the whiskey from now on
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
