the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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