Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Found the puke drawer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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