if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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