Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
