i wish my penis had a tongue
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
