i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
