I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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