I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
