my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
