yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
