I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
